Keep the Flowers.

On my drive home from work yesterday, I had my iPod on shuffle. A song I haven't heard in many years came on, and before the first line was over, a single tear rolled down my cheek. I found myself completely unable to get through the song without sobbing. It overwhelmingly resonated with how I have been feeling the past 6 months.

You can take those words to mean so many different things because they do. Weeds can be anything destructive in your life-relationships, addiction, lies, illness, debt...weeds can pop out of nowhere, or grow slowly and steadily over time. I have been trying so hard lately to pick my weeds. As a human being, I have too many to count, but right now, there is one that seems to grow so much faster and deeper than it used to. It is becoming difficult to get a hold of and increasingly harder to pull out: fear.

Please don't get me wrong, the past 6 months have truly been the miracle that I have been praying for. Nora is growing beautifully. She is incredibly smart, loves to be tickled, runs faster than her sister, is completely fearless, and remains the strongest child I have ever known. Heidi continues to be honestly the absolute best sister I could have imagined her to be. She is beautiful and funny. She is profoundly less shy than she was just one year ago. They are both shining lights in this world and I am grateful every single day for that. I really am.

But there is still this ache. It's right there in my side-like I just ran farther than I should have. No amount of water will help it and there is no "walking this off." It is just there. It hurts more some days than others, but it never completely goes away and I don't suspect it ever will. I am afraid. I know what can happen. My mind won't let me forget where we have been, and how quickly we could be there again. Everyday, I am faced with these weeds. I spend many moments picking them throughout the day. I can usually stay on track at the beginning, but by the end of most days, I am exhausted trying to keep only flowers in my garden.

No one wants these consuming thoughts. No one wants to be afraid or constantly fear the worst. I pray that with time, I will start to feel more like myself. I pray that I will find the ability to truly enjoy every single moment of my blessed life. I am trying, I guess it's just not as easy as I thought it would be. I thought clear scans would turn this permanent page and life would change completely and instantly. But it didn't. I know that makes me sound ungrateful, and that is the LAST thing that I am, but this new journey we are on is just that- it's new. It's not life as we knew it. We can't go back to the way it was on February 22, 2016. Life will never be the way it was before Nora had to fight to live. I wish it could, but I am just now realizing how much it can't.

And maybe that's OK. My weeds might be growing faster than I'd like at times, but if I know one thing is for sure, it is that my flowers are the most rare and beautiful the earth could offer. My blessings outweigh my struggles, and my girls are a constant reminder of that.

I've never been much of a gardener. In fact, last year, I actually killed an indoor cactus, but I will continue to fight to remove my weeds. And with the Lord's help, I will raise up 2 of the most beautiful flowers the world has ever seen.

Get rid of your weeds.

After all, the less weeds in your garden, the more room for flowers.

Here is that song I have been singing non-stop. She talks about it being 3 months. For me, it's been 6, but it might as well be 3 years.
 I hope you love it. I also hope that you love Kelly Clarkson. If you don't, I don't know that we can be friends. JK, I love you all.