A letter to my little fighter.

Sweet Nora Beans,

I expected many changes to my life when I nervously and excitedly read that positive symbol in the bathroom on February 5, 2015. I couldn't wait to tell your dad, but I was so afraid that I couldn't possibly love another human being the same amount and in the same way that I love your big sister, Heidi. She took up (what I thought was) my entire heart. Where would there be room? How could it ever be fair? How would there be time for you? How could you compare to her? How would you fit into our family? But then again, I didn't know you yet.

Your first official picture!

I knew there would be trying times and exhaustion. I made it through almost 28 full weeks of constant nausea and vomiting. I pricked my finger more than 100 times for you through gestational diabetes. I changed my diet for better and (in part) for always (thank you, Nora, for forcing me to give up Cherry Coke. I never thought that would be possible). A second C section, 3 months of breast feeding and 5000 gallons of spit up later, you were perfect. You slept better than your sister (awesome, though practically impossible NOT to conquer that one). You were the baby everyone dreams they will have. The one that would change even the most stubborn mind that they just *might* want to have a baby, but only if it were to be like you. You were that perfect. You didn't just fit right in. You were always meant to be here. That missing piece we didn't even know was missing until you got here.

I worried how Heidi would react to you. I worried she would be mad. I worried she would resent you and ignore you. I worried she would be annoyed at your crying and your demand for attention. I was so wrong. Heidi fell in love with you, and every piece of baggage that came with you. She kisses you and loves on you (too hard, usually). She prays for you and worries about you. When your cries wake her, she asks what is hurting you. I didn't know that 3 year olds were even capable of the kind of compassion and empathy that Heidi possesses for you, but she has it. She doesn't understand the details of your fight, but she is fighting with you. I am so proud of the big sister that I see in her everyday. I hope and pray that she never stops fighting for you.

The night before Heidi's first day of school

Until the day that I take my last breath, I will be sorry that this has happened to you. To us. I have never met anyone who made cancer so sorry it chose them like you did.You fought this fight and put everyone, including your mom, in their place. You made us question ourselves, our fears, our faith. You made us better people through your suffering. You brought us closer to God and closer to each other. You reminded us all of what is important. That wasn't your job. But you did it anyway.

During this waiting period (the longest 4 weeks of my entire life), I can't help but look back on the past 7 months. In some ways, the days flew by. In other ways, they crawled. Some have been the greatest moments of my (almost) 33 year life. Some have been the worst. You have changed my life for the great and you have given our family more in your short 11 months than I could have hoped to give them in 11 years. You are an inspiration, baby girl. There is no denying that.

Thank you, sweet Nora. Thank you for being a walking miracle. Thank you for inspiring masses of people, some of which you may never meet. Thank you for smiling through the pain and reminding us to smile back at you. Thank you for testing the strength of my faith. Because to be honest, I think we all could use a little test in that area a time or two. Our Lord is working miracles in you everyday. It radiates through you and it gives us all the strength to keep going, knowing that He is in control and you are in His care, as we all are.

I know you're not done changing the world, kiddo. You and your sister have such beautiful souls. I know, I truly know that the world is a better place because you are both in it. I can't wait to see what you do in this life. I can't imagine being more proud, but then again, you have surprised me before.