WONDER(ing) WOMAN

She did it. Again. Our girl completed her last round of chemotherapy. Again.

With a few line issues and 2 major vomiting episodes, our girl crossed the last finish line like the wonder woman that she is. Wonder Woman is the perfect costume for her this year, isn't it? I can't tell you a single fact about Wonder Woman, the comic book character, but what I can tell you is how my one year old has made me wonder this past year...

It started with wondering how Heidi would take to her, how she would fit into our family. It morphed into wondering when she would sleep through the night and hold herself up. Then, in the blink of an eye, the wondering turned to worries about her health and survival that most moms don't have to wonder about.

Of course I have those moments where I stay trapped inside that worry, because it is just so easy to go there. But, I can honestly say that I have less and less of those moments. Nora is a constant reminder to me that I don't need to worry, only wonder.

I am in constant wonder of Nora. I wonder how she can make it look so easy. I wonder how she can smile through the vomit-soaked shirts and literally run up to nurse Jen, even right after a dressing change. I wonder how I will tell her all that has happened to her when she is older, and how relieved I will be to have that conversation, staring at her in good health and carefree happiness. Most of all, I wonder how on earth I got so lucky to be the mommy of the 2 biggest blessings this earth has ever known. I wonder what God has in store for my girls and our family. I know that whatever it is, He will make sure we are ready, even if we don't think that we are.

I have never really cared for Halloween, to be honest. I hate being scared. I don't like blood (real or fake). I don't really even like dressing up (I am more of a 4th of July fireworks and Thanksgiving gluttony fan). But I am ready for tomorrow night. I am ready to make some beautiful memories with my girls and our family. I am ready to be in awe of Heidi's continuous transformation from cute, shy (not so little) 3 year old to beautiful, outgoing 4 year old. I am ready to watch Nora, who has been beating the odds for more than 2/3 of her life, run and play with kids who have never faced these same challenges. And to be honest, anyone who isn't familiar with Nora or her diagnosis, would never know. That is truly amazing! It makes you wonder, doesn't it...

We hope everyone has a beautiful, safe, memory-filled Halloween with a few tricks, but plenty of treats!

Last few hours of chemo

Nora is scheduled for CT & MIBG scans and a bone marrow biopsy on November 15th and 16th. We will, of course, update everyone on the results, but we do ask for your continued prayers that our little wonder woman can finally hang up her cape for good this November.

To finish up, Adam's favorite song for Nora...

ONEderful weekend.

I haven't written anything in awhile. Not because there isn't anything to say-but mostly because I don't have the right words to explain it. It is odd for me to not know where to begin or how to explain something. If I am better than average at even one thing in this life, it is communicating through writing. The past 2 weeks have been so strange. The emotional roller coaster of complete hope, devastation, finding strength, struggling to find peace...all while trying to maintain a smile and a normal, happy life for the 2 most-deserving girls on the planet. It is exhausting. It has been like running a marathon inside my head and heart. I thought the finish line was in sight, but just like that, it disappeared again. I have no choice but to keep going, no matter how bad it hurts. My mind constantly cramps up like a sore, tired muscle and each beat of my heart feels so solitary. So loud in my chest, I feel like strangers can hear each beat in the grocery store, where I stare blankly, trying so hard to remember what I am in there for in the first place. Everything reminds me of her. Of how far she has come and of how far she still has to go.

Halloween preview of our Wonder Women

 Believe me when I say that carrying an IV pole behind your daughter and listening to the constant pump of chemicals being pushed into her veins is not easy or fun. It is terrifying and completely unsettling. It haunts me constantly, with every thought eventually turning to fear of what is going into her and wondering if it is working. Over the past 8 months, I have had to wake myself out of nightmares of the future and how scary it could be. There is so much to be afraid of, but I am trying so hard to live in the now. I force myself to enjoy every single moment of my girls. I try to memorize Nora's deep belly laugh when Heidi is tickling her under her chin. I constantly smell her gorgeous head of freshly grown baby fuzz, that is once again thinning with this new treatment. I force myself out of bed at truly ungodly hours every night when she is crying out to be held in the middle of the night. Living this life is exhausting. Every single day, serious effort goes into staying awake, concentrating on conversations that should be easy and fun, and making sure we have made the most out of each and every day. No one knows when their last day will be. But no one knows more than us that it could be tomorrow.

Tired of being at the hospital for 6 hours...

Birthday Chemo

Throwing some birthday chemo shade...

 I am strong in my faith, but I am still only a human being. My exhaustion occasionally flirts along a border with anxiety and despair, but usually I am able to find the good in just about anything-given a day to think and a few good friends to remind me of what I have been given in this life. I do believe in God's timing and in His plan. I will never understand this fight, but I also know that it is not my job to understand it. He knows why. He knows how. He knows when. And most importantly, He knows her. He knows her better than I ever will. He loves her and He lives in her. When I can finally sift through the confusion and exhaustion and I truly think about all that He is and all that He promises her, I FINALLY find peace in this new normal life.

Helping dad clean the floors

So, with that peace comes fierce gratitude for 4 blessed years of motherhood!

 Nora's birthday came first-complete with a few hours of chemo treatments, but ending with frozen yogurt.

a rare moment of sharing caught on camera

Just after Projectile vomiting @ 4:30am on her birthday morning

FroYo cures everything

We had a modest, but perfect Ariel party on Saturday with family, the day before Heidi's 4th birthday.

minimal decor, maximum fun

3 Ariels showed up for the party

first time in 4 years Heidi did not cry at the singing of Happy Birthday

Sending off some Birthday Lanterns...

 

It was so nice to be surrounded by family and celebrate all of the blessings that we have in this life. I'm embarrassed that I sometimes need to be reminded to look for them. They are plentiful and they certainly outweigh the bad. Our girls are undeniably loved. They are happy and beautiful. They have an army of support and countless prayers on their sides. They have more than so many others. I am so grateful to be their mommy. They deserve the best this life has to offer, and I intend to do everything in my power to show it to them. 

Starting with Oakmont Bakery cake...