ONEderful weekend.

I haven't written anything in awhile. Not because there isn't anything to say-but mostly because I don't have the right words to explain it. It is odd for me to not know where to begin or how to explain something. If I am better than average at even one thing in this life, it is communicating through writing. The past 2 weeks have been so strange. The emotional roller coaster of complete hope, devastation, finding strength, struggling to find peace...all while trying to maintain a smile and a normal, happy life for the 2 most-deserving girls on the planet. It is exhausting. It has been like running a marathon inside my head and heart. I thought the finish line was in sight, but just like that, it disappeared again. I have no choice but to keep going, no matter how bad it hurts. My mind constantly cramps up like a sore, tired muscle and each beat of my heart feels so solitary. So loud in my chest, I feel like strangers can hear each beat in the grocery store, where I stare blankly, trying so hard to remember what I am in there for in the first place. Everything reminds me of her. Of how far she has come and of how far she still has to go.

Halloween preview of our Wonder Women

 Believe me when I say that carrying an IV pole behind your daughter and listening to the constant pump of chemicals being pushed into her veins is not easy or fun. It is terrifying and completely unsettling. It haunts me constantly, with every thought eventually turning to fear of what is going into her and wondering if it is working. Over the past 8 months, I have had to wake myself out of nightmares of the future and how scary it could be. There is so much to be afraid of, but I am trying so hard to live in the now. I force myself to enjoy every single moment of my girls. I try to memorize Nora's deep belly laugh when Heidi is tickling her under her chin. I constantly smell her gorgeous head of freshly grown baby fuzz, that is once again thinning with this new treatment. I force myself out of bed at truly ungodly hours every night when she is crying out to be held in the middle of the night. Living this life is exhausting. Every single day, serious effort goes into staying awake, concentrating on conversations that should be easy and fun, and making sure we have made the most out of each and every day. No one knows when their last day will be. But no one knows more than us that it could be tomorrow.

Tired of being at the hospital for 6 hours...

Birthday Chemo

Throwing some birthday chemo shade...

 I am strong in my faith, but I am still only a human being. My exhaustion occasionally flirts along a border with anxiety and despair, but usually I am able to find the good in just about anything-given a day to think and a few good friends to remind me of what I have been given in this life. I do believe in God's timing and in His plan. I will never understand this fight, but I also know that it is not my job to understand it. He knows why. He knows how. He knows when. And most importantly, He knows her. He knows her better than I ever will. He loves her and He lives in her. When I can finally sift through the confusion and exhaustion and I truly think about all that He is and all that He promises her, I FINALLY find peace in this new normal life.

Helping dad clean the floors

So, with that peace comes fierce gratitude for 4 blessed years of motherhood!

 Nora's birthday came first-complete with a few hours of chemo treatments, but ending with frozen yogurt.

a rare moment of sharing caught on camera

Just after Projectile vomiting @ 4:30am on her birthday morning

FroYo cures everything

We had a modest, but perfect Ariel party on Saturday with family, the day before Heidi's 4th birthday.

minimal decor, maximum fun

3 Ariels showed up for the party

first time in 4 years Heidi did not cry at the singing of Happy Birthday

Sending off some Birthday Lanterns...

 

It was so nice to be surrounded by family and celebrate all of the blessings that we have in this life. I'm embarrassed that I sometimes need to be reminded to look for them. They are plentiful and they certainly outweigh the bad. Our girls are undeniably loved. They are happy and beautiful. They have an army of support and countless prayers on their sides. They have more than so many others. I am so grateful to be their mommy. They deserve the best this life has to offer, and I intend to do everything in my power to show it to them. 

Starting with Oakmont Bakery cake...