making time.

When Nora was first diagnosed, Dr. Shaw gave me a book to read called "Childhood Cancer: A parent's Guide to Solid Tumor Cancers." When he handed it to me, my first thought was, "How does he expect me to read this?" As I sat there on that uncomfortable hospital couch/bed, in my filthy 2 day old clothes, unshowered, still physically hurting from the firestorm of days worth of bad news, I woke up a little. I realized that not wanting to accept this new life was not going to change this new life. Ignoring Nora's condition would not make it go away. And pretending like it wouldn't be hard was not going to make even one day of this new life any easier. So, when Nora was sleeping, I read a few chapters. When Adam was holding her, I read a few more. Of course there were pages of that book that tore my literal heart out, and I cried out loud more than once. Through the delirium of that first week, I also had to re-read most of the pages due to my brain either not comprehending from sheer exhaustion, or my mind not focusing because I was too busy worrying about upcoming tests, chemo, etc.

That book, even at the lowest point in my life, gave me knowledge and hope. As I read each page, through swollen bloodshot eyes, I thought constantly about the other eyes reading the very same words. I thought of the other little babies going through the exact same fight and wondering where their mommies found the strength courage to rise to occasion. I thought about how INCREDIBLY far treatments for neuroblastoma have come. The blessings of being in such a wonderful hospital, the unwavering support from our friends and family, the strength of tested faith...we had a lot working on our side. I realized all of this as I read.

 I am so grateful for that book. I am so grateful that Dr. Shaw was a part of our journey, even if only for a few months. He was a bright light in a pretty dark world one year ago. I often think about God's placement of such a kind and brilliant man in our lives, helping to calm a storm that was so far out of our control. If it had been another doctor assigned to Nora, we might not have been able to see the hope for our girl so quickly.

I wish I had more time to read. People often say that if you really want to do something, you make the time. I agree to a fault. Many days in my shoes the clock literally runs out. When it is finally lights out in our house, keeping my eyes open to read is simply not an option. I make time here and there, but it is much fewer and further between than I would like. I always think about all the free time I will have to read by myself when my girls are grown up and living under a different roof than us. And I know in those moments, I will long for these snuggles and games of Guess Who and Hide-n-Seek. (On that note-I am a grown adult, Heidi. It is getting particularly hard to find places to hide in a 2 bedroom house).

Someone snoozin' in her crib

So, for now, it is Dr. Suess and Little Golden Books. It is watching Trolls in "party mode" for the 12th time in a week. It is making play dough cookies and fighting the dogs off from eating them. It is popsicles and oranges in a blanket fort in the living room. For now, it is exhausting, sweaty, crowded, NEVER alone time. And to be honest, it doesn't get any better. Books can wait. These girls of mine can't.