sisters.

Nora's Last Day of Chemo 10/28/16

I once read that "When one child is diagnosed with cancer, the whole family gets cancer." I thought that seemed a little off at first. But when you break down the word cancer, and the root of its meaning, it is actually pretty spot on.

can·cer

ˈkansər

noun

noun: cancer

• a disease caused by an uncontrolled division of abnormal cells in a part of the body.
• a malignant growth or tumor resulting from the division of abnormal cells.
• a practice or phenomenon perceived to be evil or destructive and hard to contain or eradicate.  

 It's the last definition that makes that statement ring true. While Nora fought for her precious life, Heidi faced a different struggle.  She slept 40 nights outside of her own bed this year. SHe watched us pack overnight bags 13 times in 9 months, knowing mommy wasn't going to be tucking her in for a couple of days. She heard the 90-some screams during every injection. She watched mom hook her up to pumps and give her medicines. She welcomed the nurse at the front door every Monday and Thursday. She heard the constant phone calls with doctors and nurses. She even helped "clean out her port" (push the saline through Nora's central line). Heidi had a front row seat to the madness that was our life last year, whether we liked it or not.

   

We tried not to use the word cancer in front of Heidi or talk about the scary and dangerous parts of Nora being sick, but she knew. She knew each night when we prayed for Nora's healing. She knew Nora wasn't like her friends' little brothers and sisters. No one else had a port. No one else had 14 doctor's appointments every month. No one else in our family's name was called out in prayer each week at church. She knew. There was no way around it.

 Heidi notices everything. Every cloud, every dirty penny in any parking lot we've ever been, every imperfection on my skin, the color of anyone's nail polish, down to the number of M&M's in the candy jar on the counter. I have long said that I cannot say anything in front of her if I don't have every intention of following through with it. She is constantly aware and meticulously perceptive. I adore her for those qualities (usually), but it also makes me wonder just how much she understood this year. While I can't say for sure, I do know that my big girl was incredibly brave. And maybe even more so than brave, she was understanding.

Seems strange and hard to believe...a 3-4 year old being understanding. When I think of a classroom of preschoolers- words like funny, loving, wild, smart, mischievous, impatient, bossy, and even (depending on the amount of sleep I have gotten) annoying come to mind. Understanding is a complex trait that most adults I encounter lack the emotions to possess. I think it comes with experience. It comes with challenge and I think it comes easier to those with an open heart. I don't know many 3 year olds who are faced with that kind of challenge. Heidi was put into that position and she rose to the occasion.

From the moment we came home from the hospital on March 4, 2016, Heidi doted on Nora. She was easy (for the most part) near Nora's line, she kissed her head when she cried, she held her hand as she learned to walk, she brought gauze, she opened alcohol wipes, she prayed, she loved on Nora through every round of chemotherapy. So maybe the playrooms were more of a draw to come visit us at the hospital than seeing Nora...but then again, she was three...

 

 

With the amount of attention Nora has gotten this year, Heidi has never once seemed truly jealous to me. She is a cheerleader at every doctor's appointment. She is truly the big sister every little sister needs.

 

Still, every Sunday morning, on the way to church, she points out Nora's hospital on the hill across Route 28, and sure enough, I look. I know it's there and I know exactly what it looks like from the inside out, but I still look. I look because it is important to Heidi. She remembers everything and she deserves to be recognized for the year that she, too, has endured. She is an amazing child. I say it all the time-she is so special. Her empathy and love for her sister are remarkable. My girls might not have had the easiest first year together, but if they got through 2016, sharing toys and eventually clothes and boys should be no problem, right?

We had a parent-teacher conference a few weeks ago. (Yes, Heidi is 4 and in her first year of preschool). I really wasn't afraid of a bad report, she's a great kid! But as we sat there with her gentle and loving teacher, I fought back tears more than once. Adam and I were told that Heidi spoke of Nora often and told her about Nora being sick. Mrs. Piel knew about Nora's chemo treatments and they prayed for Nora together on more than one occasion at school. It is not that we didn't want anyone at school to know. We know they would have been concerned and kind to us about it, it just seemed like the one place that was just Heidi's. A place where Nora's health and well-being didn't overshadow everything else, especially our "Heids." I was so relieved to hear that Heidi was so open about it and excitedly told Mrs. Piel when it was Nora's last day of chemo! Hearing that our girl was also making friends with some of the less outgoing little girls in the class and inviting them to play with her also tugged at my heart strings and just reinforced that we are doing OK navigating these waters with a 4 and 1 year old.

PS-Happy 36th birthday to dad!! We hope this year didn't cause TOO MANY gray hairs...